Reflection.
I've been thinking about it. I realized that I have not been a good person. Whether in God's eyes or in other people’s eyes. I just feel so sucky and down now.

I don't know how many "sorry"s I owe God. I know that He is loving and forgives us no matter what. But what I felt was that I disappoint Him. I don't spend time with Him. I don't do quiet time with Him. I don't show that I love him, no matter in how I behave or how I do things. The times I think of Him most is probably when I'm listening to Christian music. I don't think people will see any difference in me anyway that shows I am a Christian. I'm not being a reflector of how great God is.

I remembered, before coming to Singapore, I told myself that this is a new start. I told myself that I will impact people. I told myself that I will be better person. I told myself that I will do things for God. I told myself I will be the person who CHANGES. I don't think I succeeded in any of these.

This brings me to a question. What am I here for anyway? There must be something more than just going to school and having fun with people. There must be something more I can do for God. There must be something more which I can feel that I achieved something that I should do in my life.

Oh wait. I can't even face God with a clean heart. Still thinking of impacting people. Poor me.

I just can imagine how heartbroken he is when he looks at me, and says "how much I want you to come back, to change. I want you to be good." I guess what I do just disappoint him again and again. I think he feels so sad. Hey God, can you stand the pain? I thought of how great he did suffering for us even though he knows in the future we would just disappoint Him again. How awesome You are.

Was listening to "At the cross". Yeah it’s so true. There is no greater love than God's, and I don't even appreciate it. If I were someone else, I'll say that person is SICK.

As I am writing this, I felt my tears. Not because of me, but because I felt the sadness God was feeling. I felt how broken he was. I can see Him looking at me with his loving eyes asking me to come back to him. Pleading me. Telling me how much He loves me. I just don't know what to do now. I can't bring myself to face God.

I feel that in school mostly, I'm not even being myself. OK fine, there are moments I do, when playing soccer mostly, because that's when you can't control yourself and put on a mask while you're concentrating on soccer. I don't think I even behave as I should be. Late for classes, not being polite to teachers.

Why do I even let little things break me? Like people not answering me when i talk to them. I feel I'm being used by them. So what? Why can't I just shake that off? So am I even considered a friend to you guys?

I try to be a good friend, but how many people can even consider me as a good friend in 3.8? How many can trust me when they need to, ask me for help when the need it? How many people can I be a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on? If not, then what on earth am I here in this class, the best class for? There must be a reason, of all the classes to be in. to get 36 points? I don't think so. Seriously.

As I thought through more, I just realized. Being one of the oldest in the class, I have already experienced what they are experiencing. But how many have I helped? Friendship problems, emotional problems etc. It’s not like I don't know how they feel. How many people have I encouraged? How many people have I touched? How many people have I helped when they are down? Most importantly, how many have I shown God’s love? I thought. Sadly I couldn't think of any. What kind of friend am I then?

I watched a slide show of all the pictures I have in my laptop while listening to some Christian music. I felt something was strange. When a song reaches its climax the pictures that came out was always the ones I treasure. The ones that captured the memories and the friendship we had back then. I really missed those times. I miss the times when we could have fun over anything. And we will be there for each other no matter what we're going through. We were always there for each other. I couldn't say the same for now. oooo Bethany peoples, I really miss you guys!

I'm going to sleep now and probably hope that my heart won't break from the multiple waves of sadness I had been experiencing now.

Oh great, I told you something strange is happening. after I typed "my heart won't break" the song "Healer" played. I feel God is with me. I know he will pull me through. You're all I need.